I want to write more and write better.
I've been thinking about ways to improve my writing skills. I've decided that writing is something that genuinely improves my quality of life. I feel the best when I look back at a piece of writing that came out of my own brain, and see myself clearly reflected on it; my thoughts, my personality, my opinions... Coherently, in a way that makes sense, instead of the messy unintelligible fuckery form that they exist in before I translate them into something slightly more solid.
My only wish is to get better at it. I don't think I'm necessarily good at writing; the thing about being bilingual is that if you don't put in the effort, you start to become average in both of your languages. I feel like I express myself better in English, but I definitely am nowhere near to truly mastering the language. On the other hand, I have become terribly incompetent in writing in my native language after pursuing my higher education fully in English. Which is a shame really, because I was told as a kid and a teenager that I had a knack for writing that I should take more seriously. I don't think I ever did take it seriously though. Sure, in college my major required me to write plenty, but academic writing is a totally different beast. The only other writing I ever do is journaling, and RARELY blogging on Bear.
I don't really enjoy any of my blog posts looking back, when I re-read them they appear as very incoherent and filled with silly little errors. It's not like I ever edit my stuff, this is supposed to be more of a venting space for me, but I would like to be able to express myself well in written form. I think it's a skill everyone should aspire to have, especially since people very seldom write anything long form these days. Writing is a muscle that weakens unless it's put to work, after all.
I'm not sure what kind of writing I want to be doing though. I kind of want to pick up screenwriting, which seems very ambitious. I do think it's doable, it just feels like such a considered craft that involves things beyond writing that I feel intimidated. It's not like I want to sell my stuff to TV studios or anything, I want to try just for me only. So it shouldn't really matter if I fail at it or not, but I can't help but think, every time I write, "None of this is meaningful, it's not good, and you're not good." It's an unproductive mindset.
I guess, if I do want to get better at this, then I've got to just do it, even when the outcome is unreadable slop. Reading a lot helps too. I think that's why I'll try and write in this blog everyday, in whichever format, about whatever I want. Today's writing was about: my complicated love-hate relationship with writing! Let's see what happens tomorrow.