i feel like an aimless blob
i graduated university this past january and ever since then, i've been trying SO hard to get into a postgraduate program. that's basically all i've been doing for the past 6 months. the catch is that i don't even know who i am or what my interests are! sure, i have a little idea about what generally interests me but that doesn't seem to be enough for any of these places that i'm applying for! i dont know what i want to do in the future! i dont know what would make me happy!! i don't know what my skills are, what i'm passionate about, practically everything that makes up someone's personality, i seem to lack!!
i'm being so negative because i just came out of an interview that went pretty shit. now i'm just sat thinking, do i even want this? is academics really for me? because i've had good grades and been programmed to achieve what i've been told is desirable to achieve, everyone my whole life told me that the academic life is just for me. it also doesn't help that all of my friends are doing their masters in fucking germany and stuff right now. well i'm not so sure if this is for me anymore. i think i've been pretending to have ambition for academics just to feel like i'm good at SOMETHING. so that i wouldn't have to admit to myself and others that i'm simply, totally hollow and empty inside with zero actual drive or ambition about anything.
it almost feels like i need to build my whole life from the ground up. like i've kept making all the wrong choices up until this point. i was told that your 20's were supposed to be hard and full of soul searching but is it normal to feel like you're the only one who's doing that and everyone else just seems to have at least one thing going on for them? i don't know, everytime i try and put myself out there, something i lack is being reminded of me: funds, knowledge, ambition, vision, whatever it is. when can i just be me? this is who i am and i would just like to make something of myself. why is that never enough? there must be somewhere i can start no? i wish i had some sense of direction, and some desire for ANYTHING. maybe then i could just plan the steps and go through them. that's what i'm good at, following steps, having a structure in front of me that i can follow, basically being told what to do! but i don't want to be that anymore. i want to be able to exist in spontaneity, just do things without expecting any returns or achievements back, to have a quiet brain for ONCE. why is simply existing without feeling tormented and guilty for every second of your life so hard? i wish i had the answers.